The cell was a hollow cube of concrete, no way in, no windows. In there you could have no idea if it was day or night. I figure I’m more contained in here compared to the real world out there. I am trapped in my own thoughts.
Trapped in my own reality. And in here, well this is kind of like a dream, except for the zero company. At least I can process my thoughts without feeling nervous. Every move I make the bastard is watching. It’s still nerving of course. That’s all he does! Watch. What a voyeur! What a disgusting pig! Argh I wish you, Winston, my love, could come as close as you can to the prison cell walls and whisper love songs into the tiny cracks.
I can forgo the golden beams of light, I can suffer nothing but bleak walls for company, but love I cannot live without. Cheating on you was the worst thing I could off possibly done. It definitely wasn’t worth sitting in this pile of decay on the dirty old ground because they didn’t give me a bed. I betrayed you Winston. We even resolved our shared loyalty to each other and that it shall triumph. I told you we wouldn’t’ betray one another, although even that can’t make the slightest difference, but I did. I betrayed you and I don’t think you will love me after this.
I just wish I didn’t do what I did because at least it could be possible to be together right now even though talking is the least at its possibilities. Even though you said a confession isn’t portrayal and that what I say or do doesn’t matter, it’s just feelings and that if they could make you stop loving me – that would be the real betrayal, that’s not good enough. Is he an airhead? And for the 411, I’m the one who had an affair on him. How could that doing justify his feelings? As if! I did wrong. How would he think this is bearable. How could he still love me? I can’t accept what I did. I feel just as black and white as my silk dress and my leather boots. Yes, what I did was immoral, well that’s what my heart and brain feels.
They feel extinct. And the rest of my body, well, I feel existing and somewhat vital. It’s a feeling I have never felt before. I just think of Winston and what I have done. I really do love him. I don’t know why I did it. Argh! Why am I still talking to myself? I wish I had some sort of company. I feel like half of the time I am talking to the walls.
At least they listen. I can’t even remember what led me to this moment. I feel sexless and undesirable, just as a woman of the inner party should be. The only reason I slept and snuck around with the party members was because I wanted to rebel… Rebel against Big Brother. I hate the party. I actually loathe them. I just desired to get back at them.
I don’t where else I would be if he knew I was having these thoughts. He is Big Brother! He is always watching and the thought of that drives my insides crazy. Not like they don’t feel crazy enough! I already revolted against the party, and so did Winston.
I guess that’s why we are in this vacuous cell. My thoughts have been filled with absolute abomination towards ‘Big Brother’ and his lies for a while now; I finally have the chance to let them out for once and for all. The feeling of somewhat safety here is overpowering to that of fear. I can’t stand it anymore. The constant change and control of everything in order to fit the Party’s and ‘Big Brother’s’ needs is driving me beyond madness and into insanity. I remember doing changes to thousands of articles that proved the Party and ‘Big Brother’ were wrong and had been wrong many times before, yet I wish now that I had kept them for my own purposes… I guess there’s nothing I can do now. I mean, there’s nowhere to go.
I am in this hovel for good. There’s no escaping. Indeed, I shout and curse at the telescreen but I also scream at the fact that ‘Big Brother’ is controlling me. I keep my feelings bottled up everyday and let them out one by one, but in my head, and sometimes at the walls.
I really do wish I had a proper voice. I wish I had my journal in here. You would not believe the amount of thoughts that I have poured onto the pages of that journal. Everyday after work I would go into a corner where the telescreen couldn’t see me and I would just write until my heart’s content.
I have been holding one thought in my mind that I have not been able to write into my journal, but I have thought about it in my mind. Have you ever seen O’Brien at work? He looks like the Inner Party member, but there is something about him that is different. During one of the ‘Two Minutes of Hate’ I saw something in his eyes; it is that something that I saw in his eyes when I first met him. I thought that he might be a spy, but I knew that he wasn’t. I had a dream where O’Brien said to me ‘We will meet in the place where there is no darkness.
‘ O’Brien might even be a member of the ‘Brotherhood’. Even if the ‘Brotherhood’ exists, how are we going to stop ‘Big Brother’? The ‘Brotherhood’ might not have enough members to overpower ‘Big Brother’ or even the Inner Party. I have had a very drastic thought of whom to rely upon to overpower the Party and ‘Big Brother’: the proles. They easily outnumber the Party members and their families, but they must first know and believe that they can become more powerful than what they are. If we could even start a few small groups of proles into thinking this way we would eventually have the whole city willing to fight. Imagine the whole city fighting against the Party and ‘Big Brother’. What a glorious day that would be. That’s the dream hey! Let us hope that we are able to live to that day without being caught by the Thought Police.