In order to show how rational reasoning can influence solving problems, I’ll write situation, which happened several months ago to my best friend. She came to me crying and told that her husband doesn’t love her any more. She explained that he became interested in other women and communicates with them via internet. Still, she told that he didn’t find anybody, but family life seems to be spoiled. I ask her which way she behaves regarding him, and Helen confesses that she makes mistakes: “Of course, I shout on him from time to time, and sometimes I start to ask him who is the girl he loves, but he doesn’t reply me”.
I start to convince her to change behavior for more calm and to think before she shouts at her husband, to hold strong position. Helen replies that she is glad to follow my advice, but she is afraid to loose her husband forever. “Don’t you think you hasten his departure by your behavior? , – I ask her a question. “Right you are”, – she agrees. “Does the conflict help to improve your relationships? ” – I define. “No, even making worse, – she sobs, – but I cannot do anything with myself”.
We started to work with her: releasing her from fears to loose husband and the following isolation, which prevents her being happy. During the conversation we find out that the same situation took place in the past of Helen’s parents, where father after 15 years of being together with Helen’s mother, suddenly lost interest and started to find a substitute even didn’t hiding from the family, and finally, left. Extremely important role here is the desire to change her husband in accordance with her own stereotypes. Every third conflict in family is the result of it.
Such behavior is of no use: you cannot change your partner and the person who wants to change, will never be satisfied with such a “change”. I understood, that Helen is afraid not only her husband can leave her, but a minimum coolness from his side, and because of this she drove husband crazy for many years until he became really cold to her. “Please, try to understand his strategy and tactics,- I advised her, – You cannot expect now that he’ll come back immediately and the relationships will be fine as well. You were mistaken for a long period of time and you cannot solve the problem immediately.
You have to refuse from quarrels, even if it seems to be impossible for you. Leave your husband in peace, be friendly, self-confident, don’t ask him anything, don’t demand anything, and take no notice of his conversations with women via internet. Take care of your health, loose weight, go to the swimming pool, fitness club, and come back to your hobbies, which you liked when you were young and not married. Buy some new clothes, work to create your family relationships like you are married the first days with your husband, make yourself more attractive.
If it is possible, feel yourself not a wife who is married more then 5 years, but his new girlfriend. In brief, refresh your feelings and wait what will happen next”. In one week Helen came to me and confessed that she agrees with me and wants to change completely, but she cannot make anything, because “my body doesn’t hear me: hardly I try to look self-confident, my muscles become stuff, voice is trembling, my husband notices this and becomes more and more far from me”.
I taught Helen some methods of relaxation and finally she took strong position regarding her husband. She left shouting on him, found her new style and managed to be a little bit distant of him. Two weeks later she called to me and told that their relationships became even better then at the very beginning. “It seems he is in love with me like the first time we met”, – she said. And she added that she will never shout on him, because she realized that there are some methods which are much stronger then some stupid shouting.