Every year, the number of high school graduates is increasing, and you would thinkso too, for the number of college graduates. Unfortunately, that assumption is wrong – it’s theabsolute opposite. According to Alia Wong of The Atlantic, the rate of college graduatesdecreases annually (Wong 2016).
Where are all of these people who are supposed to begraduating college? Here is the answer. They pretty much don’t exist, because high schoolgraduates aren’t accepted in the first place. Universities these days search for incrediblyridiculous individuals with outstanding and preposterous so called “specs”.
However, after allmy investigation of not months, not years, not decades, but four straight days, I have figuredout the perfect tips on how to get the college acceptance letter in your mailbox.First of all, prepare a depression-invoking, life-changing event before writing yourcollege application essays. It’s really not that difficult. You could try getting an addictionproblem to alcohol and drugs when you’re in middle school. But don’t forget to stop aftertwo years so you can call yourself a survivor.
Another method you could try is photoshoppingyour dad cheating on your mom so they could get a divorce and create terrible familyproblems. You will surely have heaps of things to write! Remember, if you’re feeling extralazy writing the college app essay, just write about how depressed you were about yourgoldfish’s severe illness of Transmissible Spongiform Encephalopathy. It is sure to move thehearts of the admissions officers and maybe even grant you a scholarship. They will probablyreject a perfectly fine and intelligent candidate just because they have no story to tell, butwho cares! After all, universities always strive for diversity. Plus, who believes that students who haven’t been through any life crisis can adapt to the harsh college lifestyle.
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That couldbe good enough, but always prepare a back-up plan. What is the number one thinguniversities look for? Well-roundedness! Of course, we all know that well-roundedness isreally just a perspective dependent on the mood of the officer, but try these tips to prove yourexotic uniqueness. Dig up your father’s 5th degree cousin’s wife’s grandfather’s uncle’s step-brother’s aunt’s son’s nationality (or even further) to prove that you are 0.032% Azerbaijanand 0.
0094% Cyprus. You could even try learning to play an instrument nobody even knowsthat exists, such as a Nadaswaram, Angklung, or a Mizmar. You might think that all of this issuch a hassle and highly impractical, but people also once thought that it was impossible towalk on the moon, but it was achieved anyway.College applicants continue to criticize the admission standards, however, theofficers themselves obviously have a heartbreaking anecdote and are extremely versatile, sowe all must not complain and blindly reach above and beyond their ideals. With these tips,not only will you surely be accepted, you might even be given extra financial, emotional, ormental help from the admin and even your peers. Plus, you can gain more popularity by beingthat famous exotic person in your fraternity. Of course, you can always opt to work extra hard,then achieve excellent grades, and join different clubs and extracurricular activities. But whohas time for that? You only live once, after all!
